Talking is good.

This is just going to be words spilling out of my head as they come, so if you get lost or confused, just keep reading I'm sure it will make sense eventually.

We have been planning a move to go to my home state for almost a year now. We just got back from Texas. It was wonderful, and opened our eyes more, we found some very great prospects to live, and found so many job opportunities for Socrates.
The more and more we look into moving, the more we see that we have to get down there right now. Like RIGHT NOW. Our lease ends August 31st and we will either have to release for 1 year or if we are lucky we can do a month to month, either way our rent will be going up by $100 because of inflation. We decided to start applying for jobs for him to get in Texas, and if he gets hired he will be going alone, and I will be staying in Oregon until our lease is up, or until we have enough money to move down there. We are playing with the idea of me and our son moving back to central Oregon and finding a small place to stay while we save up money because its so much cheaper living there than living in Portland. Its really not a bad idea, and we could save money faster.
The car.....we are only going to have one. Socrates will be taking it with him to Texas, so no matter where I move, I wont have a car. Again, it makes sense for me to go to Central Oregon since we have family there and I can borrow a car at least once a month to go grocery shopping.

There is still a problem, the car is literally falling apart. We arnt even sure if it will make it to Texas. The EGR valve needs to be fixed, there is a leak on the passenger side, behind the glove compartment and it is leaking on to the floor and also leaking onto the ground. Its water but its probably a big issue since the only way to stop the leak is to always have the AC running (which also smells kinda funny now, dirty) The passenger window wont move, you can hear the motor, in the door but it wont turn the window down. The airbag light has always been on, not really sure what that means, and there is a major electrical issue going on, the interior lights will come on if they decide to, the doors will lock-unlock-lock-unlock constantly while driving, the Door ajar light will flash on with the beeping sound, and it does it the ENTIRE time the car is on. Yes, the doors are all closed. We're getting $400 in for his old truck, So, that might help one issue, but definitely not all.

We need a new(to us) car, We can't afford one lump payment for something off craigslist, but we can do payments for sure. However, none of the car places here want to have us as customers because we have zero credit. The credit card companies don't want to help us because we have zero credit. The bank doesn't want to help because we have zero credit. I've even tried those little walmart/home depot/best buy/ gas station  Credit cards, but we have gotten denied for all of them because......we have no credit. I really don't understand this whole credit thing. Is it some sort of club and I just haven't figured out the password?

Besides that, work. Work work work work work.
I'm going to school for medical assistants. The more I get into the adult industry however, the more I don't want to go. Camming was never going to be a permanent job for me. It started off as a way to wind down from my shit management job that I literally regretted going to every day. Then it became my full time work. Now I am going to school for something completely unrelated to the adult industry.I'm not sure how to feel about it. Yea there are lots of jobs in Texas for what I am going to school for and it pays well enough, but when I think about not doing this anymore, I get pretty sad. I feel like I'm making a difference in peoples lives. I feel like I'm helping others. And this job truly makes me happy.

My direct family and most of my friends know what I do. They support me and tell me to do what I want, I'm obviously doing whats best for me and my family. My mom brought up a good question to me a few days ago. "Are you going to be quitting camming when you move to Texas?" I wasn't sure how to answer this, because I knew full and well what she was actually asking. "What are you going to do when the close minded side of our family finds out you do this?"  In all honesty, I've gotten to the point where I don't care if they know what I do. They are all old, very old, old school southern bible belt up bringing. I understand, and I know they arn't going to change. I also know they dont even know how to run a computer, they don't buy nude magazines...well..the men probably do and they hide it in the barn where my aunts never go. But besides that, they haven't ever asked what I was going to school for, if I'm looking for a job for myself, if I have any future plans. Its all about what my husband is going to do for money, his future, my sons future. I totally get it, their old school priorities are set for bettering men, and women staying at home, so they don't question me being home all the time. Its pretty natural for them.
I have opportunities coming up for me to further dive into the adult industry. I can't really talk about them too much because I don't want to mess it up for myself. I am excited and nervous because this will be changing my life forever. Its going to set in stone that yes, I did this. I showed the world my body and I helped many people achieve an orgasm just by letting them look at me. It could also ruin my chances of working in the medical field. I'm not even sure if that bothers me any more. I could still get my certificate, go on to nursing school, and do something medical for adult workers. All I know is that I just want to keep doing what I'm doing.
I also want to continue to get healthier because I'm so worried about my bones because I'm always hurting, always in pain. something is always going wrong with my body and it effects how much I can work and what I can actually do. A lot of it has to do with the extra weight I'm carrying. I'm Obese. Actually, I'm morbidly obese. Don't even say "no you're not, you're beautiful." because you're just going to make this fat girl mad. Morbidly obese people can be beautiful. I never said I wasn't pretty. I feel fucking pretty. But I'm also way to fat for my body to handle. I've already lost 46 lbs in a year which is pretty slow but not bad considering I only started exercising two months ago. I know I feel a whole lot better than I did before, but I still hurt. I'm still in constant pain.

I also keep punishing myself mentally because I let this happen to me. I didn't research the medicines I was being put on well enough. I trusted the doctors when I should have listened to them as well as look into it before saying "yes put this foreign object into me to keep me from having babies."  Never again will I ever be on birth control. It literally ravaged my body from the inside out. 1 week after having my son I was back in my size 7 pants. I was THRILLED. At my 6 week check up to make sure my insides had gone back to the right place, we put the IUD in and that was that. But I gained 80lbs in 8 months and there was no explanation for it. After having it in for almost two years, me fighting to just keep it at 80lbs I took it out and I lost 40 within 3 months. I felt happier, and more confident but I'm still not happy with my self.

I don't like being the BBW cam girl I dont like it at all. I HATE when a guy says he loves my stomach, that my stretch marks are beautiful, that I should cam naked. I hate it. I keep my abdomen covered for a reason. I don't like it. No amount of talking you do will change that. EVER. But I love my job. Whats most infuriating is when I'm told to not lose weight, to keep my body the way it is because "i love the way you look."  Sorry gents but I'm not paid enough to handle this pain that this FAT is causing me to be in 100% of the time. Yea I know there are other girls that are about my height and much fatter and you dont hear them complaining about bone pain as much as I do, but thats because they don't have my bones. They dont have my family genetics. They arn't me. I have weak joints. My whole family does. Unnecessary weight on compromised joints leads to severe pain. However, I'm going to keep camming because even with the pain, and the people that tell me to not lose weight, there are even more people supporting me, telling me to keep going, being my cheer leaders. Helping me create great content.

I'm going to keep camming, until I just don't want to any more. I'll find a way for this move to happen, even though right now it seems impossible. If only we didn't live in a world where money ruled all.